I can’t be here for you
when I just discovered me.
It’s been a long adolescence,
let me tell you.
I let my bones go…
I love them.
The only time I drop my chin
is when I’m checking out my cute feet :-)
I sway with the wind
I fall in love everyday
with the sun
the rain
the moon
It shouldn’t hurt me to be free.
Sure, I’m not the richest nor the prettiest, but I’m fucking perfect in my own eyes.
It’s a dangerous love affair…
So, you see, I really can’t be here for you, when I really, honestly, madly, deeply, love me.

#affirmation girl

-"Does it hurt?"

-"Beautifully."

I fancy someone who doesn't seem to fancy me as much.

Someone truly loves me and I can't love them the same way for many reasons.

I guess... in typical fashion, I'm feeling alone again.

Whenever I get really happy with whatever I'm doing, I tend to isolate myself... or at least not put too much effort in letting people in.

I was a bit sad this evening... I called someone, but they still haven't called me back.

bummer.

2:01pm 20th July 2010

TMI Tuesday…

I wish I could make a carbon copy of myself…

my skin’s so milky to the touch

gentle roaming hands

my eyes are wells of my heart and soul

often braless, bite size breasts sit perfectly on my sternum

I even started to like the zebra stripes on these hips

lean legs from walking and running are my favourite asset

my voice… mousy, loud, clear, direct, fruitful.

I wish I had a carbon copy of myself, I want to make love to her.

Memory X Imagination

WHen my memory fucks my imagination,

YOU'RE ALL SCREWED!

LaughOutLoud

but seriously,

My imagination takes flight with fragments of my memory.

I create alternate endings, even alternate beginnings.

Sometimes, I'll admit my memory becomes a blur from picking at it so much...

Skewing things, undoubtedly picking favorable alternates over "REALITY".

Pish posh, who gives a fuck... I'm content in my head.

I reach out to you,

you put both my hands in yours,

lift me up and closer to you...

I can feel your heart flutter with mine...

You hum as we move in time

You're soo close

But I can't push you away, I don't want to.

I can hear the corners of my mouth as they touch my ears.

Are your eyes closed?
will you remember the way I smell?

those hands... those lovely hands...
strong and gentle scaling my spine

my cheek's on your shoulder,

I'm melting, can you tell?

oh, we dance, we swing, we dance...

Even if this means nothing to you tomorrow,

I'm grateful for the pleasure.

^^Thats not fiction ;-)

opening up. 3

flash forward to all those times we were playing nice

to all those times when we felt like we could still be in each other’s lives and everything would be ok.

it wasn’t until YOU decided to be rude or disrespectful that I decided to leave, or better yet, kick you out.

the “sorry” means less and less and less and less

because, for whatever reason beyond my understanding, every time I said, “ok„ but please don’t do that anymore” or “can you watch what you say just a little?” you go and you do something even more drastic to get my attention.

To this day, I still don’t give a shit about anyone’s opinions on what happened happens, happening. All I know is how I felt and feel.

No, YOU tell people that I say you were a bad gf.
I SAY it wasn’t until I decided to break up that you went bat shit crazy on me.

opening up. 2

I began to build walls, barriers, started to keep secrets.

things I never had to do.

You, or anyone in this planet didn’t know how bad I just wanted to go away.

I wanted to die because I felt like I couldn’t love you anymore.

I cared so much but it hurt my brain to think what u were capable of.

The sun was taken from my sky, there was no more moon… no more light in my life.

I tried to just be friends, be nice, and maybe in time, I wouldn’t be scared anymore.

But every time you played too roughly or too harshly, it was a hurtful reminder and my defenses came way up and violent like a caged animal.

I could’ve taken a “sorry”, but u called from new york, telling me about another girl.

It didn’t make me jealous, it only made the walls higher.

opening up.

I gave myself to you

selflessly

Lost whatever independence I had

that which I was perfectly content with.

I found a friend,

I found a lover,

I found a confidant.

What we had is still one for the ages and never to be duplicated, replicated, or repeated.

There was an innocence that I’m afraid I can’t get back.

There was change that I regret.

A slip of tongue, miscommunication, and a grip a little too rough…

who knew?

It ate me from the inside out

to look at you, someone I thought I knew so well, and see a monster.

I tried and tried and I cried trying to not see you that way.

But I was scared.

I can ride 100 of roller coasters, write tons of open confessions, and almost die on a blizzard wrecked highway in the mountains, but nothing scared me more than knowing someone I loved to death could hurt me.

I lost my innocence.

I snapped to a harsh reality I didn’t know before.

Every quip, or slip of the tongue after that sent me into shock,
“omg, is she going to hurt me again?”
“I better learn to fight back, or fight first.”
“establish dominance! establish DOMINANCE”

What a far fetched idea: dominance.

I feel you took that role that summer night in 2008.

We were always equals, at least I thought we were…

That was the first time I truly lost my friend, my lover, and my confidant in the same night.

It broke my heart and my spirit.

nothing you said after that was heard.



a good time and lots of favors DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make up for all the mental abuse.
Taking advantage of my love is a death sentence.

I trusted you with too much. You betrayed me too many times. You NEVER trusted me even back when I fully capable of being trusted.

You questioned my trust, and because I loved you, I let it change me. I questioned myself and started to doubt myself because you doubted me.

No one else mattered. EVER. YOU made them matter to you. Once they did… the rest was history and you can’t change that with a “sorry”.

I did my best to make you feel safe with me even if it was on “a bad note” because I was always the one who understood EXACTLY what it was you were trying to express. So even if I didn’t like you that day, I still gave you a safe place to be with me. Even if I was quiet… or snappy.

And because I knew what it was you were trying to express, especially when it came to me, I fled because how dare you talk down to me and play my life in my face and call it constructive criticism?

I don’t care how much money you spent, how many shows you forced yourself to go to to or things you did to impress me, or how many times you can say you’re sorry.

I honestly couldn’t forgive myself if I let you back in again.

So, no, I’m sour, I’m not bitter, I’m not even mad anymore about anything that’s happened. I got over everything from the past. I’m more concerned about my future.

All I can think of is how to never let you make me feel less than again. It’s a preventative effort that has nothing to do with hurting you.

I’m a supernova.

Skirt by naKIMuli

Photo by:[www.swagger360.blogspot.com

MODEL: Alyssa Abstracted

DESIGNER: Mayu Samoto

VENUE: Brooklyn Style Fashion Showcase @ the Brooklyn Museum June 26, 2010.

PHOTO CREDIT:
Thank you, http://www.swagger360.blogspot.com/