Memory loss would be a fooking blessing.

leave it to you to make it a curse.

How am I supposed to feel when my ex lover really is dead?

someone I was so intimate and fragile with doesn't exist anymore.

just a second hand memory from some fucking digital photos.

it's what I wanted, right?

A new start?

easy way out?

Feeling like I could break down and die to salvage those moments only I have now.

I feel like a fucking fool all the time.

This a huge fucking joke.

my life is joke.

HAHA, let's all laugh at Alyssa.

She's so fucking naive and gullible.

TIME

Is pushing away.

It’s been a long year. No, I’m not going to take a stroll down memory lane. I’m simply acknowledging that time indeed changes everything.

I no longer expect anything…from anyone. The only side effect is that blistering cold emptiness where my imagination would fill in the blanks by expecting things ( usually to work out).

But the actual best part is that I’m setting myself up to be almost always surprised and not terribly disappointed :3

SHAMELESS RANT

• Do not play dumb and think she talks to you about her gf problems bc she trusts your opinion. She wants you to play captain save a ho.
  What the fuck are you doing texting when you wake up, through the day, and before you go to bed if the bitch has a girl?
  Why does this one “friend” need to know ur every move when I know even your “best friend” doesn’t even know or hit you up as often?
  Ugh, I hate this gut feeling about this basic bitch.
  I’m not worried I’ll lose or gain anything, but I hate when my feelings are blatantly ignored.

• I do these things I’d never thought I’d do.
  I admitted that I’ve snooped in her texts and whatnot… Now she just deletes the convos once theyre over.
  -______-
  Hating this shameful confession

I'm not happy.

don't ask, won't tell.

happy new year, anyway, though.