"It's the worst feeling in the world when someone carves a mark on your life, then leaves and doesn't even care."

Forgotten...

I have so many questions and feelings and no one to trust to quench this thirst or this fire I cradle in my chest.

I'm rotting from the inside out.

I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
What could I ever run to?

Just tell me it's tearing you apart

Just tell me you cannot sleep...

Aroused.

My body is ready...

Diagnosis :

No, you weren't the first, but I held high hopes for you being the last.

I banked on that... I thrived on that.

In a way, you are the last. There is no one after you.

I've come to accept that its not you i miss, it's the connections that sparked an ideal that sparked the emotions that I miss.

I've tried not once, not twice, but three times for new times' sake and for naught.

Yes, I'm a fool, but can I really be considered a fool if I was only chasing my dreams of a happier life?

I guess so.

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name
Into the sky
And I will wake up [unhappy]

...

For some reason, this song popped into my head.

I used to really love to hear this song when I was younger..

But now, for all the reasons I can think of, it's in my head, right now.

I hate talking about myself, I feel like the self-centered jerk I am.

Every day and every night, I send silent prayers

though I know prayers and wishes are for the weak minded

and if I want something to happen,

I should do it myself,

but I'm sick of being the one to reach out,

making myself vulnerable

and ultimately being hung out to dry.

Fact of the matter is, with all that I'm doing now, something's still missing.

It's not her, it's the feeling she gave me.

I won't, there for I can't.

Yes, life is quite shitty...

When you deal with someone who swears they are gods gift, its rather annoying.
Why though? Because groupies that know nothing about you "want" you? Spare me the bullshit.

They don't have to put up with nonstop nagging and whining on a daily basis. They don't have to put up with your poor body standards, poor diet (not to mention cellulite), & poor imagination outside of your own. They don't have to deal with constant lurking, snooping and demonizing. Just because I think outloud makes no one better than the other. They don't deal with a contradicting, unadmittingly selfish and arrogant fool.

For someone who tries to be so mysterious and secretive, you sure do your best to keep yourself in the spotlight. Its beyond frustrating when every other word is "other people". They don't have to deal with this nuisance who is constantly worried about others and their perceptions and quick to judge me based on that. Insecure, much?

If I'm this sinner and you're the saint come to save me, you can go somewhere with that delusional BS.

Can't even say you played the rebound role well. But the groupies don't have to deal with that either.

On top of having a menial life with no exercise, no meaningful work, no art, and no love, no time, yes, life is pretty shitty.

The Motive

If the motive was to make me never want to speak to you again, you have flawlessly succeeded.

I was willing to overlook everything for the sake of starting fresh and most of all, learning from my mistakes. But it seems I'm the only one that learned anything.

You should go back to "forgetting"; at least then you reminded me of the person I met and not remind me why I don't talk to you now.

I wish those negative voices in my head were wrong... I wish I wasn't so disappointed when in some way I knew all along

i’d like to have a soul-shaking affair with you...

we’d fall in lust willingly,
knowingly mistaking love for the hell of it

being alive is what we’d call it
when it blew us to smitherines.

id awake forever changed…
and satisfyingly validated.

Thursday..

on the surface, this is "throwback thursday"

I'd post pictures of myself as a child or myself in general...

But today,

on the inside,

I just want to post every picture of us.

I hid them from myself so I wont do that.

the thought of losing what we had cuts deep like a knife...

on that very same thought, it only makes me want to work harder,

be better

not fall back into wallowing over lost love.

I refuse to torture myself anymore than I have to.

I keep reminding myself that everything will work out.

If that means no us,

so be it,

even though my hearts in a cage starving for it.