The Motive

If the motive was to make me never want to speak to you again, you have flawlessly succeeded.

I was willing to overlook everything for the sake of starting fresh and most of all, learning from my mistakes. But it seems I'm the only one that learned anything.

You should go back to "forgetting"; at least then you reminded me of the person I met and not remind me why I don't talk to you now.

I wish those negative voices in my head were wrong... I wish I wasn't so disappointed when in some way I knew all along

i’d like to have a soul-shaking affair with you...

we’d fall in lust willingly,
knowingly mistaking love for the hell of it

being alive is what we’d call it
when it blew us to smitherines.

id awake forever changed…
and satisfyingly validated.

Thursday..

on the surface, this is "throwback thursday"

I'd post pictures of myself as a child or myself in general...

But today,

on the inside,

I just want to post every picture of us.

I hid them from myself so I wont do that.

the thought of losing what we had cuts deep like a knife...

on that very same thought, it only makes me want to work harder,

be better

not fall back into wallowing over lost love.

I refuse to torture myself anymore than I have to.

I keep reminding myself that everything will work out.

If that means no us,

so be it,

even though my hearts in a cage starving for it.

I wish I was one of those people who are as happy/confident/secure/appealing as they lead on...

In reality, this is one big show I'm way passed tired of.

I think I'm honestly happy only when I'm dancing.

I'm scared to admit a lot of things.

That tequila tantrum was a clear indication of my pent-up anxieties.

I saw and heard myself screaming over and over I wanted to die...

Zero regard for my own things-- obviously I'm troubled.

But all she could care about was the way she felt about everything.

She doesn't believe that I don't remember what was happening,

and honestly I don't care what she believes because I'm just worried about myself.

I don't want to be sick again.

I don't want to feel so tired of living that I slowly destroy every aspect of my own life.

I'm LUCKY I'm even this far which is still not nearly as adequate as I should be.

I don't know how much longer I can play this role. Of all I do, only maybe 25% of it is actually for me.

Truth has never set me free and it's starting to leak.

MIXED EMOTIONS

MIXED SIGNALS

When my thoughts get messy, I clean.

inhale the cleaner fumes as they wash away the dirt and grime.

my heart hurts.

the sun and the sand makes it all go away...

but only for a while.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html