Diagnosis :

No, you weren't the first, but I held high hopes for you being the last.

I banked on that... I thrived on that.

In a way, you are the last. There is no one after you.

I've come to accept that its not you i miss, it's the connections that sparked an ideal that sparked the emotions that I miss.

I've tried not once, not twice, but three times for new times' sake and for naught.

Yes, I'm a fool, but can I really be considered a fool if I was only chasing my dreams of a happier life?

I guess so.

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name
Into the sky
And I will wake up [unhappy]

...

For some reason, this song popped into my head.

I used to really love to hear this song when I was younger..

But now, for all the reasons I can think of, it's in my head, right now.

I hate talking about myself, I feel like the self-centered jerk I am.

Every day and every night, I send silent prayers

though I know prayers and wishes are for the weak minded

and if I want something to happen,

I should do it myself,

but I'm sick of being the one to reach out,

making myself vulnerable

and ultimately being hung out to dry.

Fact of the matter is, with all that I'm doing now, something's still missing.

It's not her, it's the feeling she gave me.

I won't, there for I can't.