The best shower I"ve had in a while

got to really enjoy myself.

Standing in front of a mirror, naked, loving all the things that make my body mine.

Stretch marks, scars of all kinds, weird ass tan lines, my hairy legs and arms (idgaf what anyone thinks, I like when my legs are hairy. It’s soft and fun to rub.)

I feel beautiful today.

My secrets I will keep.

Good Morning.

I think it's so cute and mildly hilarious that all my co-workers nicknamed me "chipper".

I really do put on a show for the world around me. I'm really good at it too, apparently.

Only when one gets too close... for example, for a hug, do they realize how fragile I am.

and that's only my physicality.

So I'm off... to get ready for the world... I think I'll wear a "costume" costume today.

Rocky Horror? Dark Fairy? I love Halloween.

Thanks to SWAGGER 360 for this!

http://www.vogue.it/en/vogue-black/look-of-the-day/2010/10/alyssa-nicole

Tomorrow.

I will wear my brother's old shirt again.

Wear those filthy pants with that filthier jacket and have my pickin's on what boots.

... essentially the same clothes I've been wearing these past few days.

I will buy myself a drink.

I will have myself a smoke.

...and not a single fuck will be given.

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel faint like that.

The suffering felt good in a way.

Felt jaded and out of touch... almost like I was intoxicated.

Cheers to my dangerous habits.

all the NYC queer girls wouldn't know each other if you all weren't such fucking whores.

-___-;

you know how sickening it is to think you meet someone new and they know your ex for whatever reason?

you know how hard it is to make friends when they see you and automatically judge you because they “know” about my ex and I? Or they simply don’t like me because I dated a girl they idolize/crush on/etc? Or even worse, pretend to be my friend thinking they’ll get in closer.

EVERY FUCKING TIME.

If you know china marie, coke, india ngt, delete me.

I WELCOME the idea of ending up all alone.

Never in my life would I think that ONE girl I found myself in a realtionship with would bring so much unnecessary drama into my life.

It was so beautiful.

I cried when I left the theatre.

I cried all the way to the train station as I tried to figure out what was happening to me.

I was content

safe

proud

reminiscent

saddened

angry with myself

angry with the world

Proud of myself
but so frustrated about all these things

These things I hadn't thought about in months

I wish things went according to plan.

I wish she didn't admit she saw me from the stage...

I wish we didn't catch eyes...
I wish she didn't smile for the rest of the song after that.

I wish her mother didn't recognize me.

I wish her aunt didn't ask me questions.

Where those her cousins?

How I know her? Since we don't even go to the same school? Let her tell you.

Yes, the flowers are for her.
She likes flowers... not just any flowers. Roses are so thoughtless.

It was around 6am the first time.
That window, right there, that's where the sun came in and kissed her while she looked at me.

FUCK

I hate this so much

I don't like thinking about this.

Stop haunting me.

The music has a whole new meaning to me now.

___

Dignity LOST.

I think the show's over.

Close the curtain, please.

I don't even deserve applause.

Just cut the lights.

I think I'm done performing.

I just don't want to be here anymore.

self-loathing gets me no where but can I speak on this for a minute?

I'm at a point in my life where I just want to seriously end it all.

Everyone around me who seems to be succeeding are legitimately fake individuals who consume and play this fucked up life game

mindless... simply playing the game

I guess I hate myself for not learning how to play.

I wish I could play the role and play the system and play the people who care about me in order to gain.

But then I think... gaining material things means nothing to me.

People I know who have money only pretend to be happy.

most of them are lonely fuckers... more alone than me because they are surrounded and over saturated by people who only see them for what they seem to have.

All I have are the clothes on my back, essentially.

If my mother wanted to be a super bitch, I'd have nothing.

Come to think of it, I'd probably be happier if that were the case.

I hate feeling obligated

I hate feeling like I'm alone with my thoughts and emotions.

I hate feeling like i have to curb who I am because you all are so brainwashed by society into what is right and wrong.

EXAMPLE
I don't live in extremes. I hate people who do things out of spite. I hate people who make assumptions and call them questions.

I hate when people throw favors back in my face, fuck you and your favors, dont ever offer me anything again. I wont take it.

You don't know my life, please, for your own sake, don't assume you know what I'm dealing with in any given situation. Your tiny, half-utilized brain could not comprehend my thought patterns and emotional waves.

I don't belong here.

I havent found anyone who I can relate to without having to bend backwards to get a smidgen of relief from someone, somewhere knowing where the fuck im coming from.

I'm so insignificant to broad scheme of things.. but if I'm able to change at least ONE mind or heart, I've done more than enough to change the world.

Things you and I can do to change the world:

• Mentor a teen… mentor a queer/questioning teen.
• Adopt a pet… adopt a sick or elderly pet (they still deserve love)
• VOLUNTEER! anywhere, anytime, anything! Helping others ALWAYS feels good.
• eat better… sure it’s pricey but it’s better than the crap they’re killing you with. go veg! go organic!
• EXERCISE! (it relieves stress and releases those wonderful endorphins!)
• Control your vices. Easier said than done, but it can be done!

to be contiued.

we should be way more evolved.

they got you AGAIN!

They’ll soon be too many fashionistas and chucking a jivin’ entertainers and not enough doctors and teachers.

Money, hos, and clothes are all you niggers know.

—-

evolve.

please.

#mkaes me want to die

afraid to be with her

and

afraid to not be with you

The hardest part...

Pacing through my house...

thinking.

Thinking about everything.

My coping mechanisms involving food will be the death of me one way or other.

but that's not the issue at hand.

I'm thinking about why making this leap pf faith into this pretty picture you makeshifted is so difficult.

I'm pondering possible solutions:

1. I've still not forgiven you

I can still feel the punches to my face as I lay helpless on the ground as well as the stabs at my feelings

2. I still care a great deal about my ex.

No mutual friend set us up, we weren't even looking, we found each other, serendipitously, and it was beautiful.
Like a cloudless night sky in the middle of a summer out of the city.
Oh, how the stars shined bright on us.
I will never allow you or anyone to ever tell me what we had, although ephemeral (thanks to you and your minions) , wasn't real.

3. Even after the smoke cleared, I found a way to be happy... alone.
When I didn't think about you or anyone, I started to feel great about my life.

If I can feel that invincible on my own, what makes you think I'd want or need you?

All you do is make anxious. You pressure me, and not in a good way. Sure, your work ethnic helps where mine is lacking, but with a decent job and some money in my pocket, I have to work even harder to cater to your feelings despite how I feel in section one here.
That sort of dissonance, I cannot bear.

I was free for moment. I was happy. WTF happened?

You. You and your rushing.
You and your whining about how you have needs for affection and attention as if we all don't need those things.

You and your constant disrespect for my emotions.

I've compromised enough and even against the best advice I've gotten I still chose to let you back in.

I'm ready to be alone again. I miss it.

Harassment is not sexy.

someone tells you "I'll talk to you later".

Maybe you should wait and not bother them, bc then, they'll really not want to talk to you.

..

Ugh.

You people who are gullible enough to believe everything you read/are told at face value are so pathetic.

Stop being so fucking immature, you're ruining your relationships.

If you have a concern, talk it out. Stop making assumptions and decisions based on illusions and hearsay.

..

I trusted you enough to tell you what was bothering me.
instead of comforting me, you, again, just give me more reason to not tell you anything every again.

Your attitude and reaction was a fail.

you were supposed to help me understand my confusion. You were not supposed to make me feel shitty about opening my mouth, naive for trusting you of all people, and certainly not push me into the arms of someone else.

..

So here I am, again

alone.

No one to really talk to but my keyboard and who ever reads this. (thnx btw)

my heart sinks further into the abyss

as another layer of concrete is added to it's chamber.

I can see it and feel it...
deep blue, malnourished

I want to physically manifest this.

show the world how fragile I am.

Words mean nothing and everything but what I want to express.

crying out for help just isn't enough.